The Best Anti-Chelsea Jokes: Part 2!!

Kickin' The Cup!

Gooners..If you liked the First Part of the series of taunts directed at the Blues, well, this one is all the more direct, all the more humiliating and all the more hilarious. So sit back and enjoy another set of laugh-riots..

An 11Gunners treat ahead of the North-West London derby..

1. Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon says “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
2nd surgeon says “Nah, Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
3rd surgeon says “Try Electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded.”
4th surgeon says “I prefer Chelsea fans. They’re Heartless, Spineless, Gutless, Brainless and their Heads and Arse’s are interchangeable!”

2. Police are called to Old Trafford.

A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.The police negotiator says to him, “come on mate, it’s not that bad, don’t do it!”
“You don’t get it!” says the Chelsea fan, “for four years I’ve been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley… we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs… then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can’t take it any more!”
“Ok mate, I do understand your pain,” replied the negotiator, “but I don’t understand one thing… why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren’t you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?”
The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, “have you seen the f*ckin QUEUE?”

3. A man and his son were at the breakfast table when the father spots something in the paper.

“Van Gough sold for £8 million”, he says shaking his head.
“Is he worth it dad?”
Impressed that his boy is taking an interest in fine art, the father says, “I suppose so son. Why do you ask?”
“Well it’s just that Mourinho paid more than that for Andrei Shevchenko – and he’s shit”!

4. Definition of a good referee

1. Must be fair.
2. Must be consistent.
3. Must make correct judgements.
4. Must be able to stay in control.
5. Must award Chelsea at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players!

5. Sung to the tune, “You Are My Sunshine”

You are a jessie,
An ugly southern jessie,
You’re only happy,
on giro day,
your mum’s out thieving,
your dad’s drug-dealing,
so please dont take,
my Blues,
away!

6. Chris Sutton – Chelsea

With the present strike force of Mutu, Hasslebaink and Crespo, Chelsea must miss Chris Sutton as much as the striker hit the target – hardly at all.
At the time Chelsea paid Blackburn £10m for the striker, during the summer of 1999, Sutton had enjoyed prolific spells at both Norwich and Rovers and he even got an England cap. However, signing on the dotted line was one of the rare displays of accuracy he showed at Stamford Bridge.
On his debut against Sunderland he showed glimpses of things to come, as he proved to be as lethal a fruit pastel, missing two open goals and failing to put his name to any of Chelsea’s four goals.
10 games in, with no league goals to his name, Sutton chose Man United as the team he’d break his duck against. Unfortunately, the fact that Chelsea scored five that night meant that Sutton’s goal stood out as much as a Man U fan in Singapore.
However, a maiden goal is a maiden goal. Was Sutton about to open the floodgates? The phrase ‘Does the Pope crap in the woods?’ springs to mind. That goal was the only one that Sutton scored in his 28 Premiership games for Chelsea, a return that makes Emile Heskey look like Thierry Henry.
In fact, his performances were so tragic that Chelsea gave him the biggest insult possible by dropping him to centre-back near the end of the season – well, he’d spent most the year earning the opposition clean sheets.
Having managed as many red cards as league goals, Sutton’s solitary season at Stamford Bridge ended when Chelsea gratefully accepted a cut-price £6m for the prolific not-shot. However, Sutton’s barren spell in London hit him so bad that he decided to retire from the professional game and he is now said to be enjoying Sunday League football in Scotland with Celtic.

Chris Sutton: ‘We salute you’!

7. Snow White, Silvester Stallon and Osama Bin Laden are having a conversation.

Snow White says “Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?”
Stallon says “I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?”
Bin Laden says “Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?”

Snow White says “Let’s go and see the wise man!” So off they go.
Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on.”
Stallon goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived.”

Osama goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “Who’s the fu*k is this John Terry character then?“

8. From The Official Chelsea FC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government’s maths campaign.

1. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Chelsea are losing at home?

2. You are the referee at Stamford Bridge. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Didier Drogba have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

3. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Stamford Bridge being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Chelsea being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Chelsea would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

4. Jose had a hotel room booked in Athens for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

5.Andriy is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Jose is very cross and wants to sell him. If Andriy cost £30m to buy, how much do you think Jose will sell him for? How many pennies will Jose lose?

6. Didier is very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, ‘However much pressure is applied by Jose Mourinho to referees’ are accepted.)

7. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Chelsea and their supporters who thought Manchester United were a pushover.

9. Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir.

Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like to do Shit and spend some time with Losers.” Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Stamford Bridge and the Chelsea Football club!

10. A man goes into Heathrow Airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called.

All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
“Christ, what’s happened here?” he asks one of the ground crew.
“Oh yeah”, he replies “Bloody hopeless ,  we had the Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad“!

Also Read:

The Best Anti-Chelsea Jokes: Part 1!!